A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Ix Part 32

AMORETTO.

What, Jack? i'faith, I cannot but vent unto thee a most witty jest of mine.

PAGE.

I hope my master will not break wind. [_Aside_.] Will't please you, sir, to bless mine ears with the discourse of it?

AMORETTO.

Good faith, the boy begins to have an elegant smack of my style. Why, then, thus it was, Jack, a scurvy mere Cambridge scholar, I know not how to define him--

PAGE.

Nay, master, let me define a mere scholar. I heard a courtier once define a mere scholar to be _animal scabiosum_, that is, a living creature that is troubled with the itch; or, a mere scholar is a creature that can strike fire in the morning at his tinder-box, put on a pair of lined slippers, sit rheuming[91] till dinner, and then go to his meat when the bell rings: one that hath a peculiar gift in a cough, and a licence to spit. Or, if you will have him defined by negatives, he is one that cannot make a good leg; one that cannot eat a mess of broth cleanly; one that cannot ride a horse without spur-galling; one that cannot salute a woman, and look on her directly; one that cannot--

AMORETTO.

Enough, Jack; I can stay no longer; I am so great in childbirth with this jest. Sirrah, this predicable, this saucy groom, because, when I was in Cambridge, and lay in a trundlebed under my tutor, I was content, in discreet humility, to give him some place at the table; and because I invited the hungry slave sometimes to my chamber, to the canva.s.sing of a turkey-pie or a piece of venison which my lady grandmother sent me, he thought himself therefore eternally possessed of my love, and came hither to take acquaintance of me; and thought his old familiarity did continue, and would bear him out in a matter of weight. I could not tell how to rid myself better of the troublesome burr than by getting him into the discourse of hunting; and then tormenting him a while with our words of art, the poor scorpion became speechless, and suddenly vanished![92] These clerks are simple fellows, simple fellows.

[_He reads Ovid_.]

PAGE.

Simple, indeed, they are; for they want your courtly composition of a fool and of a knave. [_Aside_.] Good faith, sir, a most absolute jest; but, methinks, it might have been followed a little further.

AMORETTO.

As how, my little knave?

PAGE.

Why thus, sir; had you invited him to dinner at your table, and have put the carving of a capon upon him, you should have seen him handle the knife so foolishly, then run through a jury of faces, then wagging his head and showing his teeth in familiarity, venture upon it with the same method that he was wont to untruss an apple-pie, or tyrannise an egg and b.u.t.ter: then would I have applied him all dinner-time with clean trenchers, clean trenchers; and still when he had a good bit of meat, I would have taken it from him by giving him a clean trencher, and so have served him in kindness.

AMORETTO.

Well said, subtle Jack; put me in mind, when I return again, that I may make my lady mother laugh at the scholar. I'll to my game; for you, Jack, I would have you employ your time, till my coming, in watching what hour of the day my hawk mutes. [_Exit_.

PAGE.

Is not this an excellent office, to be apothecary to his wors.h.i.+p's hawk, to sit scouting on the wall how the physic works? And is not my master an absolute villain, that loves his hawk, his hobby, and his greyhound, more than any mortal creature? Do but dispraise a feather of his hawk's train, and he writhes his mouth, and swears (for he can do that only with a good grace) that you are the most shallow-brained fellow that lives. Do but say his horse stales with a good presence, and he's your bondslave. When he returns, I'll tell twenty admirable lies of his hawk; and then I shall be his little rogue and his white villain for a whole week after. Well, let others complain; but I think there is no felicity to the serving of a fool.

ACTUS III., SCAENA 1.

SIR RADERIC, RECORDER, PAGE, SIGNIOR IMMERITO.

SIR RADERIC.

Signior Immerito, you remember my caution for the t.i.thes, and my promise for farming my t.i.thes at such a rate?

IMMERITO.

Ay, and please your wors.h.i.+p, sir.

SIR RADERIC.

You must put in security for the performance of it, in such sort as I and Master Recorder shall like of.

IMMERITO.

I will, an't please your wors.h.i.+p.

SIR RADERIC.

And because I will be sure that I have conferred this kindness upon a sufficient man, I have desired Master Recorder to take examination of you.

PAGE.

My master, it seems, takes him for a thief; but he hath small reason for it. As for learning, it's plain he never stole any; and for the living, he knows himself how he comes by it; for let him but eat a mess of furmenty this seven year, and yet he shall never be able to recover himself. Alas, poor sheep, that hath fallen into the hands of such a fox! [_Aside_.

SIR RADERIC.

Good Master Recorder, take your place by me, and make trial of his gifts: is the clerk there to record his examination? O, the page shall serve the turn.

PAGE.

Trial of his gifts! never had any gifts a better trial: why, Immerito's gifts have appeared in as many colours as the rainbow; first, to Master Amoretto, in colour of the satin suit he wears: to my lady, in the similitude of a loose gown: to my master, in the likeness of a silver basin and ewer: to us pages, in the semblance of new suits and points.

So Master Amoretto plays the gull in a piece of a parsonage; my master adorns his cupboard with a piece of a parsonage; my mistress, upon good days, puts on a piece of a parsonage; and we pages play at blowpoint for a piece of a parsonage: I think here's trial enough for one man's gifts.

[_Aside_.

RECORDER.

Forasmuch as nature hath done her part in making you a handsome likely man--

PAGE.

He is a handsome young man indeed, and hath a proper gelded parsonage.[93]

[_Aside_.

RECORDER.

In the next place, some art is requisite for the perfection of nature: for the trial whereof, at the request of my wors.h.i.+pful friend, I will in some sort propound questions fit to be resolved by one of your profession. Say, what is a person that was never at the university?

IMMERITO.

A person that was never in the university is a living creature that can eat a t.i.the-pig.

RECORDER.

Very well answered; but you should have added--and must be officious to his patron. Write down that answer to show his learning in logic.

SIR RADERIC.

Yea, boy, write that down. Very learnedly, in good faith. I pray now, let me ask you one question that I remember: whether is the masculine gender or the feminine more worthy?

IMMERITO.

The feminine, sir.

SIR RADERIC.

The right answer, the right answer. In good faith, I have been of that mind always. Write, boy, that to show he is a grammarian.

PAGE.

No marvel my master be against the grammar; for he hath always made false Latin in the genders. [_Aside_.

RECORDER.

What university are you of?

IMMERITO.

Of none.