The New Pun Book Part 13

An Irishman was planting shade trees when a pa.s.sing lady said:

"You're digging out the holes, are you, Mr. Haggerty?"

"No, mum. Oi'm diggin' out the dirt an' lavin' the holes."

Irish foreman, to gang of men in a sewer: "How many men is down in that hole?"

Voice from the sewer: "Three, sorr."

Irish foreman: "Then lave half of yez c.u.m up."

TRAMP--"Can't you give a poor man something to eat? I got shot in the war and can't work."

Woman-"Where was you shot?"

"In the spinal column, mum."

"Go 'way! There was no such battle."

"I suppose Barnum went to heaven when he died?"

"Well, he certainly had a good chance. In fact he had the greatest show on earth."

"Why do all bank cas.h.i.+ers run to Canada?"

"Give it up."

"Because that's the only place Toronto."

"Were you attached to the place?"

The actress laughed bitterly.

"I don't know what you'd call it," she rejoined. "The sheriff had all my dresses except a Mother Hubbard."

"If a guest at a restaurant ordered a lobster and ate it, and another guest did the same, what would the latter's telephone number be?"

It would be "8-1-2."

An Irishman quarreling with an Englishman, told him if he didn't hold his tongue he would break his impenetrable head, and let his brains out of his empty skull.

PETERS--"Are you not sick of hearing everybody sing that popular song?"

WINKLE--"Not I."

PETERS--"Heavens! How can you stand it?"

WINKLE-"I wrote the song."

I'm the champion long distance cornet player. I entered a contest once and I played "Annie Laurie" for three weeks.

Did you win?

No, my opponent played "Stars and Stripes Forever."

"What have you here?" asked the fresh young man of the waiter at a first-cla.s.s restaurant.

"Everything, sir."

"Everything?" sneeringly, "Have it served at once."

"Hash for one," yelled the waiter.

When we first dined at a cafe We feared they'd drop their trays, but later We learned, somewhat to our dismay, It takes--as scores of men will say-- A big "tip" to upset a waiter.