The New Pun Book Part 14

"Irish stew," said the restaurant guest.

"Faith, I am Irish, tew," said the waiter.

Comstock shuddered the other evening when a lady asked him if he cared for undressed kids.

MRS. TILFORD OF SOROSIS--"It must have taken Daniel Webster a long time to compile the dictionary; don't you think so?"

TILFORD--"Daniel? You mean Noah, don't you?"

MRS. TILFORD (tartly)--"Now don't be silly. Noah built the ark."

"Is your friend the dentist a society chap?"

"Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings."

"Did you know that Xanthippe, wife of one of the greatest of ancient philosophers, was a great scold?"

"Certainly; but just think what a great tease her husband was."

"A great tease?"

"Yes; Socrates."

The pugilist boxes his man before he lays him out. The undertaker lays out his man before he boxes him.

An old-maid being at a loss for a pin-cus.h.i.+on, made use of an onion for the purpose. On the following morning she found all the needles had tears in their eyes.

BROWN--Up at Hagenbeck's show there is a large bear that hugs a woman without killing her.

JONES--That's nothing. I've often seen a lobster do that.

"Why do you call him 'Mr. Gimlet?' That isn't his name."

"I know. But he's such a bore!"

AMERICAN--"You have noticed, I suppose, that the balance of trade, so far as your country and ours are concerned, is still in our favor?"

ENGLISHMAN--"Nothing of the sort, sir. We exchange a worn-out t.i.tle for a beautiful American heiress almost every day in the year."

HUSBAND--"I am going to buy two little children."

WIFE--"Where in the world can you buy them?"

HUSBAND--"Down at the department store."

WIFE--"Who put such nonsense into your head?"

HUSBAND--"I saw a big sign in their window to-day, 'Ladies and gents' undressed kids for a dollar.'"

"Your father has a strong box at home, hasn't he, Willie," said the teacher.

"Yes'm," replied Willie; "the one he keeps the limburger in."

"This wireless telegraphy reminds me of a groundless quarrel."

"What possible connection is there between the two?"

"It's practically having words over nothing."