The New Pun Book Part 15

To-morrow never comes, they say; But all such talk is idle gush, For when we have a debt to pay To-morrow gets there with a rush.

"Did you go into any of the New York restaurants?"

"No. I got into what I thought was one and I heard a feller call for Saratoga chips and I knew 'twas a gamblin'-den and got out quick."

"The word 'reviver' spells the same backwards and forwards."

It was the frivolous man who spoke.

"Can you think of another?"

The serious man scowled up from his newspaper.

"Tut-tut!" he cried contemptuously.

And they rode on in silence.

I hear they're going to change the name of Central Park to Orchard Park.

Why, how is that?

Well, there are so many pears (pairs) found under the trees.

TOM--"I understand that Cholly went hunting the other day. What did he hit?"

d.i.c.k--"Nothing."

HARRY--"Why, I heard he shot himself in the foot."

d.i.c.k--"That's what I said."

"Two wrongs don't make a right."

"Yes, they do."

"How so?"

"Why, some one pa.s.sed a counterfeit five-dollar bill on me to-day; that was wrong. I gave it to my landlady for board; that was wrong, but it made me right."

"It's all foolishness to talk about any one getting the worst of it in the matrimonial game," declared the big man with a silk hat and a loud suit of clothes.

"How's that?"

"Marriage is always a tie."

An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer "was lying at the point of death," exclaimed: "My Gracious! Won't even death stop that man's lying?"

We mustn't kiss the baby, we mustn't kiss the kid, We mustn't kiss the dainty miss, so scientists affirm; To pounce upon and "wrastle" us there waits the awful bacillus, The sempiternal, most infernal omnipresent germ.

"What I like about the Irish is that they are so modest and una.s.suming."

"Holy smoke!"

"Fact. When an Irishman does anything great he does not go bragging of his ability as another man would. He merely brags about Ireland."

"I had soup in a restaurant the other day and found an oyster in it."

"Great Scott! That one oyster in the soup joke is old."

"Yes, but this was tomato soup."

"I was at a banquet last night. I just had a lovely time. We had everything a man could wish for."