The New Pun Book Part 20

"I understand that Willoughby was half seas over at the Sneerwell dinner." "Oh, no. He was sailing into the port when I left."

BACON--What's that thread tied about your little finger for?

EGBERT--Oh, that's just to remind my wife to ask me if I forgot something she told me to remember.

HE--You saw some old ruins while in England, I presume? SHE--Yes, indeed! And one of them wanted to marry me.

CHOLLY--Ethel Knox told me last night I wasn't over half-witted.

SUSIE--I shouldn't feel badly about that; she never did know anything about fractions.

MRS. SWELLERY--What is the matter with my husband, doctor?

PHYSICIAN--Appendicitis, madam.

MRS. S.--I am so glad. I was afraid he might have something unfas.h.i.+onable.

A man who drives away customers--the cabman.

CLEVERTON--Miss Cutler tells me she has been putting quinine on her face lately for her complexion.

DASHAWAY--I guess I'll go around there. I have a touch of malaria.

MAUD--How do you define love?

MARIE--Love is the life of illusion.

"And what is marriage?" "Oh, marriage is the death of them."

WEEKS--Well, how are things over in Boston? Have they named any new pie "Aristotle" yet?

WENTMAN--No-o. But I heard a man there ask for a Plato soup.

SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--What is meant in the parable by a "house built upon a rock?"

SUNDAY SCHOOL SCHOLAR--A Harlem flat.

"I am quite surprised, Mr. Meeker, to account for your wife's knowledge of parliamentary law."

"Great Caesar! Hasn't she been speaker of the house for the last fifteen years?"

MR. GREATHEAD, the landlord, says he prefers as tenants experienced chess player, because it is so seldom they move.

"You have a bad cold," he said. "I have," she replied huskily. "I am so hoa.r.s.e that if you attempted to kiss me I couldn't even scream."

A little burn makes a big smart sometimes. But even a big burn could not make some people smart.

"Don't talk to me about compulsory vaccination!" exclaimed the man who had his arm in a sling. "I'm sore on that subject."

There are many sweet, entrancing moments in this life, but when a man steps on your pet corn you do not experience one of them.