The New Pun Book Part 22

When the penniless lordling to get a rich wife Of his own nationality fails, He crosses the ocean with heart light and gay And robs the United States males.

HUSBAND--My dear, how would you like a book for a present?

WIFE--Very much.

"Well, what sort of a book would you like--a book of poems, for instance?"

"No; a bank-book."

"That sounds like the charity bawl," said the nurse, as the babies in the orphan asylum began to yell.

He went on a lark, So his wife did remark, And some angry words, too, did she mutter.

On a lark he went out, Of that fact there's no doubt, But he came in, alas! on a shutter.

CONDON--Have you been cured of that last attack of malaria?

DENBY--Oh, yes, Doctress Anna Curem knocked it silly. But her treatment left me with a worse disease than malaria ever was.

"You don't say so!"

"Yes, sir; I've got an incurable case of heart disease now."

For years she'd heard her husband sadly say: "Can't we have pies like mother used to bake?"

At last she cried: "Of course we can, you Jay, When you make dough that papa used to make."

YANKEE--"I say, Britisher, can you spell horse?"

ENGLISHMAN--"'Orse? Why, certainly. It honly takes a haitch and a ho and a har and a hess and a he to spell 'orse."

"What is the meaning of the saying that a man shall earn his bread in the sweat of his brow?" asked a boy in a New York school.

"Have you never observed a man working on a warm day?" asked the teacher.

"No, don't think I ever saw one."

"What does your father do on a right hot day?"

"He goes in bathing out at Coney Island."

"What is your father's business?"

"He is a walking delegate."

A tramp asked a farmer for something to eat One day as he chanced there to stop, The kind hearted farmer went out to the shed And gave him an axe and feelingly said: "Now just help yourself to a chop."

"Yes" said a landlord, sadly, whose tenant had made a moonlight "flitting," "appearances are deceitful; but disappearances are still more so."

Sailors are not fond of agricultural implements usually, but they always welcome the cry of "Land-hoe."

Some men divide their lives between trying to forget and trying to recover from the effects of trying to forget.

"Castles in the air are walled in by fancy," remarked the poet.

"Faith, I'd prefer a _rale_ fence," said Pat.

A boy who is frequently chastised both by his mother and grandmother, speaks of them as "a spanking team."