The New Pun Book Part 30

"From the head of the bed."

MR. B.--"You won't want that new novel now that you have the new baby, will you?"

MRS. B.--"Yes, I want them both. To have and to hold."

SHE--"You say your automobile has been acting strangely all day?"

HE--"Yes; it has stopped I don't know how many times."

SHE--"And what are you putting the oil on it for?"

HE--"To stop it stopping."

"Ma.s.sachusetts is noted for boots and shoes."

"Yes and Kentucky is noted for shoots and booze."

"Only the highest element in local society was invited to the ball."

"Oh, I see! It was a high-ball."

SHE--"A writer says that in order to succeed a man must be ninety-five per cent. backbone."

HE--"Oh, I don't know. A good many who have managed to arrive are ninety-five per cent. cheek."

SILLICUS--Do you think we shall know each other in the hereafter?

CYNICUS--I hope so. Few of us really know each other here.

Some fellows marry poor girls to settle down and others marry rich ones to settle up.

Some people who jump at conclusions lose sight of the hurdles.

"It's a dridful bother to me that I have to be sewing b.u.t.tons on me own clothes. If I was only a married man I'd ask me woife niver to allow our son to grow up an ould batchler like his fayther."

SHE--You can't eat cake and keep it.

HE--Oh, yes, you can--the kind you make.

Says his lords.h.i.+p to Thomas, "Your rent I must raise, I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf."

"Raise my rent!" replies Thomas; "your honor's main good.

For I never can _raise it_ myself."

SCENE--Cabstand. Lady distributing tracts, hands one to cabby, who glances at it, hands it back and says politely, "Thank you, lady, but I'm a married man." Lady nervously looks at the t.i.tle, and reading, "Abide with me," hurriedly departs, to the great amus.e.m.e.nt of cabby.

SENTIMENTAL WIFE--Last night I dreamt that I was in heaven.

GRUFF HUSBAND--You did, eh? Why the deuce didn't you stay there?

He said to her: "You're just a bird!"

"Then, Johnnie, dear," said she, "If all is true that I have heard, A bottle goes with me."

A Frankfort man has written a farce comedy called "Vaccine." It ought to take.