The New Pun Book Part 31

As the umpire shouted "Three b.a.l.l.s!" the batsman started guiltily.

"This isn't the first time I've raised something on a diamond,"

he muttered, as he hit the next one and knocked a pop-fly to the pitcher.

HUSBAND--"Where's your mistress? She said she'd be ready in a minute, and I've waited half an hour."

MAID--"She'll be down in a second, sir. She's changing her complexion to match her new gown."

"Ah! I'm saddest when I sing,"

She sang in plaintive key; And all the neighbors yelled, "So are we! so are we."

"Pa, what does Sioux Falls, S.D., mean?"

"Eh? Sioux Falls is the name of a town."

"And what's S.D.?"

"Swift divorce, of course."

A watch's fate is hard indeed, For when it's not in soak It's set back if it gets ahead And scorned whene'er it's broke.

After wedding a rich heiress, Price Said, "Gambling's a terrible vice, But one thing I know, This matching for dough Is a thing that's exceedingly nice."

Firemen, as well as other people, like to talk of their flames.

The speaker of the house is in deadly peril when every member on the floor wants to get his eye.

I asked a young lady living on her pa's farm what they did with all their fruit? Says she: "We eat all we can and can all we can't."

REGULAR CALLER--"I'd like to see your father, Tommy, if he isn't engaged."

TOMMY--"He is; but what is the matter with Clara? She isn't engaged."

"What is a swell affair, Jim?"

"Swell affair! lemme see. Ah! yes, I know--a boil."

"Something else, try again."

"No, give it up."

"A hill, ye know. Don't ye see, a hill is a swell affair, and besides all hills have got crests."

"There's a great art," says Mickey Dolan, "in knowing what not to know whin yez don't want to know it."

"And so Prof. Greene has at last discovered the missing link!

Where did he find it?"

"Under the bureau, I understand."

"Young ladies who feel anxious to preserve the most symmetrical anatomical proportions, should never be in a hurry. They should remember that 'haste' makes waist."

"Anything new in your neighborhood?" we asked a farmer.