The New Pun Book Part 42

CLARA--"He gave me an army-and-navy kiss."

MAUD--"What kind is that?"

CLARA--"Oh, rapid fire--sixty a minute!"

"Young man, don't you know you ought to lay something by for a rainy day?" "I do; my rubbers."

THE ONLY REMEDY--"Mamma, I dess you'll have to turn the hose on me."

"Why, dear?"

"'Tause I'se dot my 'tocking on wrong side out."

HE--"I saw you out driving yesterday with a gentleman. He appeared to have only one arm; is that all he has?"

SHE--"Oh, no; the other arm was around somewhere."

"Why are pugilists like chickens?"

"Because they live on 'sc.r.a.ps!'"

MAY--I wonder what the men do at the club?

PAMELA--From what Jack says I guess they play with the kitty most of the time.

SWATTER--I see you are mentioned in one of the books just published.

PRIMLY--Indeed! What book?

SWATTER--The directory.

"Do you go to church to hear the sermon or the music, Maude?" "I go for the hims," said Maud.

CUSTOMER--Why do you call this electric cake?

BAKER'S BOY--I 'spose becuz it has currants in it.

"That tenor of yours has a marvelous voice. He can hold one of his notes for half a minute."

"Shucks! I've held one of his notes for two years."

Coleridge, who was a bad rider, was accosted when on horseback by a wag, who asked him if he knew what happened to Balaam, "The same thing that happened to me--An a.s.s spoke to him."

MOTHER--"What did your father say when he saw his broken pipe?"

Innocent--"Shall I leave out the swear words, mother?"

Mother--"Certainly, my dear." Innocent--"Then I don't think he said anything."

"So you were bound and gagged by bandits while in Italy, were you?" asked the garrulous person; "regular comic-opera bandits, eh?"

"No sir," said the traveler; "there was nothing of the comic-opera style about them. The gags they used were all new."

An excellent reason.--Casey--"Oi'll wurk no more fer thot mon Dolan." Mrs. Casey--"An' phwy?" Casey--"Shure, t'is an account av a remark thot he made t' me." Mrs. Casey--"Phwat did he say?"

Casey--"Sez he, 'Pat, ye're discharged.'"