The New Pun Book Part 43

OLD LADY (at a ball game)--"Why do they call that a fowl? I don't see no feathers."

O'RILEY--"No ma'am. It's a picked nine."

Men are deceivers as a rule, And trust them far you never can; Though at confectioner's sometimes You may unearth a candied man!

A lady was looking for her husband and inquired anxiously of a housemaid, "Do you happen to know anything of your master's whereabouts?"

"I'm not sure, ma'am," replied the careful domestic, "but I think they are in the wash."

"Have you much room in your new flat?"

"Room! Mercy me, I should think not. Why, our kitchen and dining-room are so small that we have to use condensed milk."

"Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant." "While driving through the park don't speak to your horses. They carry tales." "All animals are not in cages. There are some dandelions on the lawn."

She heard the fog-horn blowing, "And what is that?" quoth she, The sailor merrily Replied: "it's just the dog-watch, ma'am, Whose bark is on the sea."

"She thinks that her husband is very economical."

"In what way?"

"She says that although he is pa.s.sionately fond of cloves, he never eats but one at a time."

"I saw your sister on the street to-day."

"How was she looking?"

"I don't know. I didn't see her face."

"How did you know it was my sister?"

"Oh, I'm quick at figures."

"What is the secret of success?" asked the Sphinx.

"Push," said the b.u.t.ton.

"Never be led," said the Pencil.

"Take pains," said the Window.

"Always keep cool," said the Ice.

"Be up to date," said the Calendar.

"Never lose your head," said the Barrel.

"Make light of everything," said the Fire.

"Do a driving business," said the Hammer.

"Aspire to greater things," said the Nutmeg.

"Be sharp in all your dealings," said the Knife.

"Find a good thing and stick to it," said the Glue.

"Do the work you are suited for," said the Chimney.

He kissed her on the cheek; It seemed a harmless frolic; He's been laid up a week-- They say, with painter's colic.

Charlemagne was in need of amus.e.m.e.nt.

"Why," they asked him, "do you have such a large number of court jesters in constant attendance on your royal person?"

"Because," he replied, with a right regal chuckle, "I could not earn the surname of 'The Great' were I not careful to keep my wits about me."