The New Pun Book Part 44

A certain young man told his girl the other night that if she didn't marry him he'd get a rope and hang himself right in front of her home.

"Oh, please don't do it, Harry," she said. "You know father doesn't want you hanging around here."

Three women may a secret keep If, as it has been said, There's one of the lot has heard it not And the other two are dead.

Lovett--You don't believe in divorce, then?

Hayter--No, sir; I've got too much sportin' blood.

Lovett--What has that to do with it?

Hayter--I believe in a fight to the finish.

Lawyer: "Have you conscientious scruples against serving as a juror where the penalty is death?"

Boston Talesman: "I have."

Lawyer: "What, is your objection?"

Boston Talesman: "I do not desire to die."

Cohen left the ball-game because he said the umpire looked right at him when he called "three b.a.l.l.s!"

"A Maine dealer says he has sold more skates this season than he has ever sold before in an entire season."

"That proves what I have contended right along."

"What's that?"

"That prohibition does not prohibit."

Alas, for all their ecstasy, They knew not what was best: The young man reached the front door, The old man did the rest.

"Paw, can an honest man play poker?"

"Yes, Tommy; but he can't win anything."

If Pearl Street is crooked; Is Union Square?

"Why so glum, Blumly? Anything gone wrong?"

"Yes, I've just lost two of my best friends."

"By death or marriage?"

"Neither. I loaned them money."

Little Mary, quite contrary, How does your appet.i.te grow?

Lobsters and quail, champagne in a pail, And a "friend" to supply all the dough!

HE--Then I am to understand that you have given me the mitten, as it were?

SHE--You have said it.

HE--And is this all?

SHE--Of course it is. What more do you want--a pair of socks?

"Hey, boy, where's your brother?"

"In the barn, shoein' horses."