The New Pun Book Part 45

"Where's your mother?"

"In the back yard, shooin' chickens."

"Where's your father?"

"In the hammock, shooin' flies."

"Harold!" began his wife, in a furious temper, "my mind is made up----"

"Mercy!" interrupted her husband; "is that so? I had hoped that your mind, at least, was your own!"

CUSTOMER: "You have a sign in your window, 'A suit of clothes made while you wait.' Do you really do that?"

TAILOR: "Yes, sir. You leave your order, with a deposit, and then go home and wait till the garments are finished."

"Mother, may I go out to wheel?"

"Yes, my darling daughter; I suppose, of course, you won't wear skirts, Although I think you oughter."

LADY--What! You here again? I don't believe you have done a thing all Summer.

TRAMP--You do me an injustice, mum. I jist finished doin' thirty days.

"Betty, why do you sit up at this hour of the night darning your stockings?" said mother, sharply; "don't you know it's 12 o'clock?"

"Oh, yes," laughed Betty, "but it's never too late to mend!"

"Now, why," remarked the little dog, in speaking to the tree, "Would you say that the heart of you is like the tail of me?"

The tree gave the conundrum up. The pup, with wisdom dark, Explained the matter saying, "It is farthest from the bark."

BUTCHER--I need a boy about your size, and will give you $1 a week.

APPLICANT--Will I have a chance to rise?

BUTCHER--Yes; I want you to be here at four o'clock in the morning.

A prominent man called to condone with a lady on the death of her husband, and concluded by saying, "Did he leave you much?"

"Nearly every night," was the reply.

Bill had a billboard. Bill also had a board bill. The board bill bored Bill so that Bill sold the billboard to pay board bill. So, after Bill sold his billboard to pay his board bill, the board bill no longer bored Bill.

TOMMY--Pa, did you really mean it when you said you'd spank anyone that broke that vase?

PA--Just come here, sir, and I'll show you.

TOMMY--Don't show me. Show Bridget; she just broke it.

"Here _lies_ poor Sam: and what is strange, Grim death has worked in him a change---- He _always lied_ and always will, He once lied loud and now lies _still_."

"I'd like to see your mistress. Is she engaged?"

"Lord, sir! she's married; been married for twenty years."

BROWN--I hear that they use all sorts of materials in the manufacture of illuminating gas, nowadays.

JONES--True. They even make light of the consumer's complaints.