The New Pun Book Part 47

"Pa.s.sengers are requested to cross over the railway by the subway."

This reminds us of the oft-quoted notice put up at the ford of an Irish river:

"When this board is under water the river is unpa.s.sable."

Mary had a little lamb, But she thought it was immense: With new green peas and other things It cost her ninety cents.

LITTLE WILLIE--Papa, why does the railway company have those cases with the ax and saw in every car?

FATHER--I presume they are put in to use in case anyone wants to open a window.

The kerosene can on the mantel reposes, Its contents were sprinkled all over the fire, And all that poor Kathleen O'Donohue knows is, This dull world has changed for a sphere that is higher.

"He seems to have gone to the bad completely."

"Yes; I believe he found himself between the devil and the deep sea, and he realized that he couldn't swim."

As he walked with baby He had to confess That marriage with him Was a howling success.

THE SPINSTER--How many lodges did you say your husband belonged to?

THE WIFE--Fifteen.

THE SPINSTER--My goodness! just think of a man being out fifteen nights a week! Well, I'm glad that I'm an old maid.

Seven little missionaries-- Horrible their fate-- Cannibals picked clean their bones Then they were ate.

JUDGE--You are charged with profanity.

PRISONER--I am not.

JUDGE--You are, sir. What do you mean?

PRISONER--I was, but I got rid of it.

"I hate a liar," Wiggins cried, Said Jiggins, "Then 'twould seem You really ought to try and hide Your lack of self-esteem."

"Kind lady," remarked the weary wayfarer, "can you oblige me with something to eat?"

"Go to the woodshed and take a few chops," replied the kind lady.

Lady (after the tramp finishes eating)--It's merely a suggestion--the woodpile is in the back yard.

Tramp--You don't say! What a splendid place for a woodpile!

Said she, "How beautiful is nature!"

Said the young man, "Yes, quite true;"

Then, added, as he viewed her complexion, "And art is quite beautiful, too."

"How to make your trousers last,"

"Make your coat and waistcoat first."

The stork is a bird with a great big bill; He brings us the babies whenever he will; Then comes the doctor, and when he is through, You find that he has a big bill, too.