The New Pun Book Part 48

"Dearest," whispered Cordelia, after she had captured the coveted solitaire, "I have a confession to make. I am a cooking school graduate."

Clarence shuddered.

"Oh, well," he rejoined, after the manner of one resigned to his fate, "we can board."

If t-o-u-g-h spells tough, And d-o-u-g-h spells dough, Does s-n-o-u-g-h spell snuff?

Or, simply snow?

THE WIFE (savagely)--Don't let me catch you flirting.

THE HUSBAND (meekly)--No, dear, never again. That's the way you did catch me, you know!

He called her an angel before they were wed, But that, alas! didn't endure.

For ere many months had pa.s.sed over his head, He wished that she was one for sure.

Elderly Man (greeting former acquaintance)--"I remember your face perfectly, miss, but your name has escaped me."

The Young Woman--"I don't wonder. It escaped me three years ago.

I am married now."

"These verses make no sense," said she; "I can't tell what they mean."

"Good! they'll make dollars then," cried he, "In any magazine."

THE BARBER--Did I ever shave you before?

THE VICTIM--Yes, once.

THE BARBER--I don't remember your face.

THE VICTIM--No; I suppose not. It's all healed up now.

They say the baby looks like me, A circ.u.mstance I dreaded, But the only likeness I can see Is that we're both bald-headed.

"Do you think the things one eats have a direct effect on one's disposition?"

"Well, rather. We had Indian meal pudding so often at our house that everybody got savage."

"I once saw a man at a meeting of a mothers' club."

"That's nothing; I once saw a teetotaler on a fis.h.i.+ng trip."

Bluff a little, bluff a little As you go your way; Bluffing may not always help you-- Many times it may.

Bluff a little, bluff a little; Men may rail at you-- But you'll see by watching closely That they're bluffing, too.

The butcher is a fair minded fellow. He is always willing to meet his customers half weigh.

A queen was she--the beautiful maid-- Beauty or wealth she did not lack-- But the game was euchre that Cupid played, And the Queen was won by a Jack.

"So you paid $1,000 for a cook stove! Don't you think that was a good deal?"

"Yes, but they threw in a cook with it: she was warranted to stay two years!"

"Where are you going, my pretty maid?"

"I'm going to cut the corn," she said.

"Can I go with you, my pretty maid?"