The New Pun Book Part 5

YOUNG M.D.--That jig is up.

OLD M.D.--What do you mean?

YOUNG M.D.--That fellow with St. Vitus's dance died this morning.

"Do you think that as a rule people who attend theaters are superst.i.tious?"

"Do I think so? I know it. I have seen people sit for an hour waiting for a ghost to walk."

"For that matter the actors themselves often wait longer than that."

"Here's an account of a hen which layed three eggs at once, and then died," remarked Mrs. Sumway.

"From over-eggsertion, probably," commented her husband.

"What is the best way to raise cabbage?"

"With a knife and fork."

"Why is Miss B---- wearing black?"

"She is in mourning for her husband."

"Why, she never had a husband!"

"No, that is why she mourns."

"Dearest," she murmured, "I'm so afraid you'll change."

"Darling," he answered, "you'll never find any change about me."

"What's the matter here?" asked a stranger of a small boy, as he noticed a large wedding party coming out of a church on Fifth avenue.

"Nawthin' but the tied goin' out."

Oh, the sadness of her sadness when she's sad!

Oh, the gladness of her gladness when she's glad!

But the sadness of her sadness, And the gladness of her gladness, Are nothing to her madness when she's mad!

"Is it raining, girls?"

"No," broke in c.u.mso; "only cats and dogs."

GUEST--What have you got?

WAITER--I've got liver, calf's brains, pig's feet--

GUEST--Hold up there! I don't want a description of your physical peculiarities. What have you got to eat is what I want to know.

STRANGER--"Boy, can you direct me to the bank?"

BOY--"I kin for a quarter."

STRANGER--"A quarter! Isn't that high pay?"

BOY--"Yes, sir; but it's bank directors what gits high pay, you see, sir!"

"It's very puzzling," said a worried looking woman to one of her neighbors.

"What's that?"

"I can't tell whether Willie is corrupting the parrot or whether the parrot is corrupting Willie."