The New Pun Book Part 50

GEORGE--All that I said was, "My Dear Susie: The dog I promised you has just died. Hoping these few lines will find you the same.

Yours, George."

Now comes the question which will make This life a bitter cup....

How many hoopskirts will it take To fill a trolley car up?

"Speaking of accommodating hotel clerks," remarked a Portland commercial traveller, "the best I ever saw was in a town near Bangor. Just before I retired I heard a scampering under the bed and looked under, expecting to see a burglar. Instead I saw a couple of large rats just escaping into their hole. I dressed and went down to the office and put in a big kick. The clerk was as serene as a summer's breeze.

"'I'll fix that, all right, sir,' he said. 'Front! Take a cat to 23 at once.'"

A recent school examination in England elicited the following definitions:

"Noah's wife," wrote one boy, "was called Joan of Arc." "Water,"

wrote another, "is composed of two gases, oxygen and cambrigen."

"Lava," replied a third youth, "is what the barber puts on your face." "A blizzard," insisted another child, "is the inside of a fowl."

"Why don't you demand $50,000 instead of $5,000?" said the lawyer.

"Oh, because," explained the lady of the breach of promise suit.

"Then he might change his mind and want to marry me."

"I'll admit," said Mrs. Hylo, "there are some things I don't know"----

"That's no lie," interrupted her husband.

"But," continued the alleged better half of the combination, "that man doesn't live who can tell me what they are."

"Friend of mine to-day," said Mr. Kidder, "was talking of coming here to board."

"I hope," remarked Mrs. Starvem, "you were pleased to recommend our table and"----

"Sure! Told him it was just the thing for him. He's a pugilist and wants to increase his reach."

An English motorist is quoted as saying that he cla.s.sed pedestrians as the quick and the dead: those who got out of the way and those who didn't.

"Yes, dear," said the petted young wife, examining her Christmas gift, "these diamond earrings are pretty, but the stones are awfully small."

"Of course, my dear," replied the diplomat husband, "but if they were any larger they'd be all out of proportion to the size of your ears."

Two Irish farmers who had not seen each other for a long time met at a fair. They had a lot of things to tell each other. "Shure, it's married I am," said Murphy. "You don't tell me so," said Moran. "Faix, yes," said Murphy, "an' I've got a fine healthy bhoy which the neighbors say is the very picture of me." Moran looked for a moment at Murphy, who was not, to say the least, remarkable for his good looks, and then said, "Och, well, what's the harum so long as the child's healthy?"

A bashful young couple, who were evidently very much in love, entered a crowded street car in Boston the other day. "Do you suppose we can squeeze in here?" he asked, looking doubtfully at her blus.h.i.+ng face.

"Don't you think, dear, we had better wait until we get home?"

was the low, embarra.s.sed, reply.

"When the old man is shaking down the furnace, carrying out the ashes, feeding the cat and six kittens, and making the beds,"

remarked the observer of events and things, "of course he is too busy to hear his daughter in the parlor, singing: 'Everybody Works but Father.'"

"I a.s.sured her I could support her in the style she was accustomed to."

"Well?"

"She said she was looking for something better than that."

"Do you believe in transmigration of souls?"

"Well," answered the man who never admits that he doesn't know everything, "I wouldn't recommend it as a regular practice."