The New Pun Book Part 51

"After all, you know," said Mr. Oldbeau, "a man is only as old as he feels"----

"Yes," said Miss Pepprey, "but some old men make the mistake of thinking they are as young as they think they feel."

At a West End hotel one of the party asked:

"Have you got any celery, waiter?"

"No, sir," was the significant answer; "I relies on me tips."

YEAST--Did you ever try to dye eggs?

CRIMSONBEAK--No, I never did; but I've tried 'em after they were dead.

A dude from St. Louis named Crute Had a habit of saying, "Oh, shoot!"

He said it one day To a man in Ouray, And that was the finish of Crute.

"How is your house heated?"

"By hot air."

"Hot air?"

"Yes--the landlord's."

"I want to get a head of cabbage," said the man who had been sent to market.

"Large or small head?" asked the grocer.

"Oh, about 7 1-4," said the man, absent-mindedly.

"I'll pa.s.s the b.u.t.ter," said he, while trying to pa.s.s the browsing goat.

"I'll b.u.t.t the pa.s.ser," said the goat, as he helped him over the fence.

"Yes, he's got a flying-machine ready for a trial now and he's trying hard not to be proud?"

"Why shouldn't he be proud?"

"Well, pride goes before a fall, you know."

"He has none of the finer sensibilities, nothing to distinguish him from the common herd."

"No?"

"No, sir. I've heard him confess, out of his own mouth, that all autos smell alike to him."--_Puck._

"Why did you insist on only $99,000 a year as your salary?"

"Because," answered the high financier, "as soon as people hear a hundred thousand mentioned they get suspicious. It is better to keep the figure marked down a little."

Tom--I kissed her when she wasn't looking.

Clara--What did she do?

Tom--Kept her eyes closed the rest of the evening.

Jenks--Why on earth did you laugh so heartily at that ancient jest of Borem's?

Wise--In self-defense.

Jenks--in self-defence?

Wise--Yes; if I hadn't laughed so he would have repeated the thing, thinking I hadn't seen the point.