The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 127

Its clearly understood all round We stand, I think, on safish ground That, by your English custom bound Our senses weak it will astound He holds the lady safe and sound If either gentleman is found In trust for either rival, Prepared to meet his rival.

Until we clearly testify Their machinations we defy; By sword or pistol, by and by We won't be parted, you and I-- Which gentleman prefers to die, Of bloodshed each is rather shy-- Which prefers survival. They both prefer survival

Phan.: If I should die and he should live (aside to Fitz.) To you, without reserve, I give Her heart so young and sensitive, And all her predilections.

Sca.: If he should live and I should die, (aside to Fitz.) I see no kind of reason why You should not, if you wish it, try To gain her young affections.

ENSEMBLE

Sca. and Phant. Fitz and Zara

If I should die and you should live As both of us are positive To this young officer I give That both of them intend to live, Her heart so soft and sensitive, There's nothing in the case to give And all her predilections. Us cause for grave reflections.

If you should live and I should die As both will live and neither die I see no kind of reason why I see no kind of reason why He should not, if he chooses, try I should not, if I wish it, try To win her young affections. To gain your young affections!

(Exit Scaphio and Phantis together)

DUET -- Zara and Fitzbattleaxe

Ensemble: Oh admirable art!

Oh, neatly-planned intention!

Oh, happy intervention-- Oh, well constructed plot!

When sages try to part Two loving hearts in fusion, Their wisdom's delusion, And learning serves them not!

Fitz.: Until quit plain Is their intent, These sages twain I represent.

Now please infer That, nothing loth, You're henceforth, as it were, Engaged to marry both-- Then take it that I represent the two-- On that hypothesis, what would you do?

Zara. (aside): What would I do? what would I do?

(To Fitz.) In such a case, Upon your breast, My blus.h.i.+ng face I think I'd rest--(doing so) Then perhaps I might Demurely say-- "I find this breastplate bright Is sorely in the way!"

Fitz.: Our mortal race Is never blest-- There's no such case As perfect rest; Some petty blight a.s.serts its sway-- Some crumbled roseleaf light Is always in the way!

(Exit Fitzbattleaxe. Manet Zara.)

(Enter King.)

King: My daughter! At last we are alone together.

Zara: Yes, and I'm glad we are, for I want to speak to you very seriously. Do you know this paper?

King: (aside) Da--! (Aloud) Oh yes--I've--I've seen it.

Where in the world did you get this from?

Zara: It was given to me by Lady Sophy--my sisters' governess.

King: (aside) Lady Sophy's an angel, but I do sometimes wish she'd mind her own business! (Aloud) It's--ha!

ha!--it's rather humorous.

Zara: I see nothing humorous in it. I only see that you, the des- potic King of this country, are made the subject of the most scandalous insinuations. Why do you permit these things?

King: Well, they appeal to my sense of humor. It's the only really comic paper in Utopia, and I wouldn't be without it for the world.

Zara: If it had any literary merit I could understand it.

King: Oh, it has literary merit. Oh, distinctly, it has literary merit.

Zara: My dear father, it's mere ungrammatical twaddle.

King: Oh, it's not ungrammatical. I can't allow that.

Unpleas- antly personal, perhaps, but written with an epigrammatical point that is very rare nowadays--very rare indeed.

Zara: (looking at cartoon) Why do they represent you with such a big nose?

King: (looking at cartoon) Eh? Yes, it is a big one! Why, the fact is that, in the cartoons of a comic paper, the size of your nose always varies inversely as the square of your popularity. It's the rule.

Zara: Then you must be at a tremendous discount just now! I see a notice of a new piece called "King Tuppence," in which an English tenor has the audacity to personate you on a public stage. I can only say that I am surprised that any English tenor should lend himself to such degrading personalities.

King: Oh, he's not really English. As it happens he's a Utopian, but he calls himself English.

Zara: Calls himself English?

King: Yes. Bless you, they wouldn't listen to any tenor who didn't call himself English.

Zara: And you permit this insolent buffoon to caricature you in a pointless burlesque! My dear father--if you were a free agent, you would never permit these outrages.

King: (almost in tears) Zara--I--I admit I am not altogether a free agent. I--I am controlled. I try to make the best of it, but sometimes I find it very difficult--very difficult indeed. Nominally a Despot, I am, between ourselves, the helpless tool of two unscrupulous Wise Men, who insist on my falling in with all their wishes and threaten to denounce me for immediate explosion if I remonstrate! (Breaks down completely)

Zara: My poor father! Now listen to me. With a view to remodel- ling the political and social inst.i.tutions of Utopia, I have brought with me six Representatives of the princ.i.p.al causes that have tended to make England the powerful, happy, and blameless country which the consensus of European civiliza- tion has declared it to be. Place yourself unreservedly in the hands of these gentlemen, and they will reorganize your country on a footing that will enable you to defy your persecutors. They are all now was.h.i.+ng their hands after their journey. Shall I introduce them?

King: My dear Zara, how can I thank you? I will consent to any- thing that will release me from the abominable tyranny of these two men. (Calling) What ho! Without there!

(Enter Calynx) Summon my Court without an instant's delay!

(Exit Calynx)

FINALE Enter every one, except the Flowers of Progress.

CHORUS Although your Royal summons to appear From courtesy was singularly free, Obedient to that summons we are here-- What would your Majesty?

RECITATIVE -- King

My worthy people, my beloved daughter Most thoughtfully has brought with her from England The types of all the causes that have made That great and glorious country what it is.

Chorus: Oh, joy unbounded!

Sca., Tar., Phan (aside). Why, what does this mean?

RECITATIVE -- Zara

Attend to me, Utopian populace, Ye South Pacific island viviparians; All, in the abstract, types of courtly grace, Yet, when compared with Britain's glorious race, But little better than half clothed Barbarians!

CHORUS